Thursday, January 3, 2013


I know I promised I'd write a list of my favorite signs, but as experiences rearranged my standpoints, a couple of those signs are on time-out in the corner with a dunce cap. I won't say any names *COUGH* Leo *SPUTTER* Scorpio... but you get the point. I'm hoping that the universe will deliver me a few new beings under these signs, just to solidify my opinion in either direction. Since it's the new year and many people make resolutions but at times fail to follow through with them, I thought I'd offer a little advice from my side of the spectrum. My most crippling issue is my pessimism which sometimes inhibits me from viewing the world in a positive light. I am working on making this blog less catty and more informative and upbeat. It's true that there are some astrological signs that I have clashed with in the past. But I want to use my knowledge to shape the future of my relations with them, rather than just discarding them as shitty.

I was first introduced to the power of crystals in 2007 after I left rehab and my family sent me to live with my godparents in Santiago, Chile. I was given a beautiful heart-shaped crystal by a very dear woman and she told me that whenever I had feelings of doubt or fear I should hold onto it and focus all of my positive energy on a resolution. I used it in several circumstances where I felt depressed and hopeless, and it worked like a charm. For each of my friends out there, I will suggest to you a special stone that is catered to troubles that I feel you specifically experience under your zodiac sign.

Aries - Bloodstone - Helps you to combat your quick temper and aggravation, attracts true love & romance, and purifies and detoxifies the body from chemicals or negativity.

Taurus - Hiddenite - Helps you to overcome addictions and unhealthy obsessions, allows your heart to welcome hope, joy, and faith, and fosters unconditional love for yourself and others.

Gemini - Agate - Creates stability, achieves balance, and clarifies your path so that you may follow it fearlessly.

Cancer - Blue Calcite - Helps to obliterate pain resulting from emotional traumas and ongoing sadness, allows for healing and rejuvenation, and improves memory and learning capacity.

Leo - Sunstone - Helps to improve negative moods, motivates you and nourishes you with power to accomplish positive goals, and encourages selflessness.

Virgo - Sugilite - Allows you to release negative emotions, accept and forgive the trespasses of the past, and fills you with positivity so that you may not be dragged down by others.

Libra - Strawberry Quartz - Helps you to understand your purpose in life and use your insight to achieve goals and increase the vibration of your intentions.

Scorpio - Smoky Quartz - Expands your consciousness of all energies around you so you may remove negativity and jealousy in order to realize your individual dreams.

Sagittarius - Dioptase - Helps to balance your yin-yang energy, as you are very yang. Dioptase also boosts prosperity, clean energy, and awareness of your surroundings.

Capricorn - Black Onyx - Absorbs draining negative energy, develops emotional and physical strength, aids in self control issues, and allows for recovery from pains so that you may grow.

Aquarius - Bismuth - Promotes focus on achievements and brings you to a higher level of consciousness, cohesiveness, and communication so that you can improve relationships and reduce isolation.

Pisces - Turquoise - Allows you to release self destructive behaviors, releases the pains of yesterday, increases positive thinking, and enhances the way you communicate with those who care for you.

Monday, November 5, 2012


Hi kids. Mercury is in retrograde starting tonight at midnight and if you don't know what that means, it means that you should back your shit up because this is the period of time when appliances and electronics fail. My 2 year old iPhone just completely shitted out on me, so there's that. All my nude pictures are gone, but I'm a survivor, so I'll get through it. If you treasure your porn collection, then throw that muthafucka on an external hard drive!

Moving on. I promised that I'd compose a list of astrological signs that I regard with lukewarm feelings. I don't want to banish these signs to the cornfield, but my emotions about them are mixed. This usually means that I consider their good qualities and bad qualities to be on an even plane. I have numerous close friends under the star signs listed here. It's just that I don't feel these signs have 100% proven themselves to me yet. You can always improve my opinion of your star sign with bribes and sexual favors. I take cash, checks, and all major credit cards.

1. Aries - Rams are charismatic, tenacious, financially secure, materially generous, and usually a lot of fun. They're fly, charming, and willing to be the provider and protector. This comes at a steep price, unfortunately. They have indulgent impulses that drive them into addiction, overspending, and the constant need for ego stroking and adulation. Their capricious desires push them into lone wolf territory because rarely can a partner cope with their level of self-absorption. They are rude as fuck and unapologetic about it. It's me, me, me, fuck your feelings. As partners, they want to bake the cake, eat it, keep it on display, and then stuff it into their orifices. As flashiness, vanity, and the thirst for control often supersede the need for stability, they end up alone. If you want someone to take you shopping at Jimmy Choo and thrust your brains out, seek out an Aries. But be warned, it's usually short lived.

2. Cancer - Moon children have a lot going for them. The sense of humor, empathy, style, and powers of observation they possess are unsurpassed. My best friend, Crystal, is a Cancer and we get along famously. I guess after 12 years I know how to deal with her, and I rarely witness her bad side. She's my poodle. However, most Cancers will bite your dick off if you catch them at an inopportune moment. It's not for nothing they're called crabs. Along with Pisces, they are whimpering, daddy-gimme-a-pony-ass babies. They are bratty and needy. Their cold shoulder will give ya ass freezer burn. I don't play the bullshit, so we usually get along. But give them an inch, and they'll snap a mile off with their claws. Still waters run deep, so just make sure you can swim.

3. Libra - Librans are generally cool, popular, and easy-going. They'd give you the shirt off their back. The problem is, they can't decide which goddamn shirt. One day it's plaid, the next day it's striped. Or is it? They are unpredictable and flaky. I can't stand a cat who is bewildered by decisions as simple as picking a sushi restaurant. They're hard to dislike though, since they're usually extremely giving (read: it ain't trickin' if you got it), kindhearted, and fun loving. As long as you don't depend on the Scales to ever be reliable or consistent, you can have a breezy time.

4. Taurus - Maybe this is a shocking addition, since some of you already know that this is my zodiac sign. But since I don't mince words and I never lie (both Taurean qualities), I thought I'd keep myself honest by telling the truth about my own sign. Tauruses are irrepressibly strong -- they succeed where others fail, and do what others are incapable of doing. But we also are plagued by materialism, gluttony, disorganization, pessimism, sloth, and hardheadedness. We can be possessive, demanding, and just all around fucking mean. We are bulls you know, we'll charge you, in every sense of the word. We have a frightening temper and a soft side that is largely untapped, mostly because people typically don't dig deep enough to know it's even there. We might butt heads with you, cuss you out, take all your money, and eat you out of house and home, but I like to think our intentions are usually good. What else can I say, though? I'm fairly biased.

If you didn't make this list or the one prior, you know what that means... That's right! You're on my nice list. Get the Gun Oil ready! Pop off, son.