Hi kids. Mercury is in retrograde starting tonight at midnight and if you don't know what that means, it means that you should back your shit up because this is the period of time when appliances and electronics fail. My 2 year old iPhone just completely shitted out on me, so there's that. All my nude pictures are gone, but I'm a survivor, so I'll get through it. If you treasure your porn collection, then throw that muthafucka on an external hard drive!
Moving on. I promised that I'd compose a list of astrological signs that I regard with lukewarm feelings. I don't want to banish these signs to the cornfield, but my emotions about them are mixed. This usually means that I consider their good qualities and bad qualities to be on an even plane. I have numerous close friends under the star signs listed here. It's just that I don't feel these signs have 100% proven themselves to me yet. You can always improve my opinion of your star sign with bribes and sexual favors. I take cash, checks, and all major credit cards.
1. Aries - Rams are charismatic, tenacious, financially secure, materially generous, and usually a lot of fun. They're fly, charming, and willing to be the provider and protector. This comes at a steep price, unfortunately. They have indulgent impulses that drive them into addiction, overspending, and the constant need for ego stroking and adulation. Their capricious desires push them into lone wolf territory because rarely can a partner cope with their level of self-absorption. They are rude as fuck and unapologetic about it. It's me, me, me, fuck your feelings. As partners, they want to bake the cake, eat it, keep it on display, and then stuff it into their orifices. As flashiness, vanity, and the thirst for control often supersede the need for stability, they end up alone. If you want someone to take you shopping at Jimmy Choo and thrust your brains out, seek out an Aries. But be warned, it's usually short lived.
2. Cancer - Moon children have a lot going for them. The sense of humor, empathy, style, and powers of observation they possess are unsurpassed. My best friend, Crystal, is a Cancer and we get along famously. I guess after 12 years I know how to deal with her, and I rarely witness her bad side. She's my poodle. However, most Cancers will bite your dick off if you catch them at an inopportune moment. It's not for nothing they're called crabs. Along with Pisces, they are whimpering, daddy-gimme-a-pony-ass babies. They are bratty and needy. Their cold shoulder will give ya ass freezer burn. I don't play the bullshit, so we usually get along. But give them an inch, and they'll snap a mile off with their claws. Still waters run deep, so just make sure you can swim.
3. Libra - Librans are generally cool, popular, and easy-going. They'd give you the shirt off their back. The problem is, they can't decide which goddamn shirt. One day it's plaid, the next day it's striped. Or is it? They are unpredictable and flaky. I can't stand a cat who is bewildered by decisions as simple as picking a sushi restaurant. They're hard to dislike though, since they're usually extremely giving (read: it ain't trickin' if you got it), kindhearted, and fun loving. As long as you don't depend on the Scales to ever be reliable or consistent, you can have a breezy time.
4. Taurus - Maybe this is a shocking addition, since some of you already know that this is my zodiac sign. But since I don't mince words and I never lie (both Taurean qualities), I thought I'd keep myself honest by telling the truth about my own sign. Tauruses are irrepressibly strong -- they succeed where others fail, and do what others are incapable of doing. But we also are plagued by materialism, gluttony, disorganization, pessimism, sloth, and hardheadedness. We can be possessive, demanding, and just all around fucking mean. We are bulls you know, we'll charge you, in every sense of the word. We have a frightening temper and a soft side that is largely untapped, mostly because people typically don't dig deep enough to know it's even there. We might butt heads with you, cuss you out, take all your money, and eat you out of house and home, but I like to think our intentions are usually good. What else can I say, though? I'm fairly biased.
If you didn't make this list or the one prior, you know what that means... That's right! You're on my nice list. Get the Gun Oil ready! Pop off, son.
